I've been surfing in this sea for a bit too long. . .perhaps surfing is not the correct word. . .hmmm. . .dog paddling?? drowning??. . .yes, I've been dog paddling/drowning in this sea for a bit too long.
Ah my furry friends, plans are tiny prayers made to father time, plans are tiny prayers made to father time, plans are tiny prayers made to father time, plans are tiny prayers made to father time. . .
They are. I embrace this idea with my mind. . .
BUT damn my body! She simply does not take to the notion. I wish the bitch would catch up.
I've always been one to do what she says. . .I was in a bar once. . .a friend looked me dead in the eye, she said, "let's go to New Zealand." I said, "yes, let's." I was a bit drunk on delicious beer you understand, but within two weeks, I had purchased my tickets, and in three months, I was on my way. I was 25 at the time. It was so easy. I just said yes, it happened. That doesn't seem to happen any more. Decisions. . .commitment. . .decisions. . .meh. . .
Decisions. . .
Decisions.
And I am back to reading "To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles. . ."
Better to take arms against a sea of troubles I think. . .sounds like pirating. . .and that is always a good avenue. . .
The draw of Hamlet for me is his indecision--I fully understand this plight and am plagued with it daily. . .do I get the quad-shot Americano, or stick with the Mocha?? Do I go to Target, Wal-mart or Korea. . .Really. . .what should I do??. . .I don't deal with decision well . .unless, it seems, I am in a bar and inebriated, and then apparently I make great decisions. . .(Truly, NZ, best decision I ever made.)
Back to Hamlet. . .
Some say this speech is simply about death. He is deciding whether or not to off himself. . .Some say he is being cunning--as he knows Polonious and Claudius are spying on him. . .and some say, and I am one with this mind, that he is wrought with indecision and the thought of consequence.
That is why I am akin to him. . .
. . and slightly attracted. . .especially to the Mel Gibson version--that beard, that soulful educated wit-ful look, that mother/son scene. . .oh my. . .
(oh, ellipses you and your wandering imagination)
Back to my logical brain. . .he is wrought with indecision and consequence. I believe that is why he is my go-to literary figure in indecisive soul-wretching times. Like Ani Difranco says, "every pop song on the radio is suddenly speaking to me". . .well for me in times of trouble, "shakespeare's prose and verse is suddenly perceptible."
Indecision. Consequence. Fucking consequence. . .did you know everyone suffers from YOUR decisions?? You decide to go to Target instead of Walmart. . .someone, suffers somewhere (think 'the butterfly effect'--not the movie, good god, not the movie). . .of course you cannot get caught up in such ideas. It will drive you mad, however. . .YOU are most definitely affected by your decisions. . .
In the past week, I've made the most life changing decisions. And in reaction, Life and friends have thrust upon me many consequences, and! wouldn't you know it? even more decisions.
I am fraught with words, regret, and indecision. Aren't we fucking all??
I am not looking for pity or sympathy. . .I am not looking for understanding or condolences. Because, we all know life is a bitch. "One man's decision is another man's regret." Life is a cunt--whether it's because it broke your water heater, your heart, your husband, your job or your foot. To each his own. . .each person has her circumstances.
For me. . .a show I worked on for 8 months got canceled two weeks before it was supposed to happen. Fuck. Damn. Fucking God Damn.
I also decided to give up a well paying job and pursue a rather penniless existence--as an artist you see. . .I do after all have an MFA. . .it stands for Mother Fucking Artist. . .
But these decisions don't mean shit to most of you.
The thing is. . .life?? Damn. That bitch comes in all unsuspecting shapes and sizes and it depends on the person and the given moment. . .I like to think of the Ghostbusters in times like these. . .Raymond. . ah Raymond. . .a simple guy. Told not to think of anything, and yet the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man popped into his head.
Nothing is ever intended.
It just fucking happens.
We try to direct things by making decisions. . .but as Hamlet points out. . .no matter what we are all faced with, decisions and every one of those decisions have consequences--from the simple decisions--Target or not?. . .or the major life decisions--Korea or not?. . .all of them--consequences.
I decided not to go to Korea.
I decided to pursue acting.
(People's faces when I say these two sentences together are quite amusing)
Despite all that I think has gone wrong. . .and all the dark days I am bound to face and my life's particular attraction to shit. . .It's worth it.
This is the foundation of my life. No one has ever really agreed with me. How could they? I am a random. .
Random thoughts, talks, and walks. . .I am a person in discovery of her boundaries. Many cohorts have discovered the boundary of their life realm. . .but mine is slowly coming a long. (I've always been a later bloomer) I have high hopes. . .and am thankful for my friends. . .
And so I am here. Here is where I am.
My furry friends, you gain no resolution tonight. . .because I do not. . .however, we both gain a quote. . .from Hamlet. . .because this play, is my solace. . .always.
"But look, amazement on thy mother sits,
O, step between her and her fighting soul.
Conceit, in weakest bodies strongest works,
Speak to her Hamlet."
When taken out of context. . .it works oh so well. . .as do most quotes.
Sleep sweet.
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