I find my self in New Orleans.
I find myself in an absolutely abhorrent hotel room decorated with imitation Monet, stale smoke, yellow walls, and a buckling ceiling. . .I am on the edge, a man was shot outside my room two days ago.
I can't help but ponder the words of David Bowie. . ."Ch-ch-cha-changes. . .strange fascination, fascinating me"
I've been back in the states exactly 3 weeks and 3 days. I am not sure what to make of it all. I find myself at a bit of a loss.
It is so strange to not be a bit stressed when I find myself in need of something delicious, important or necessary. The other day, I felt like Cinnabon. . .and I went and got it. I needed a bra, and I bought it--nobody looking at me with eyes that say "no, you won't fit this". Moments like these were feats in Korea, and here. . .yep, it just happens.
I think it, and I can have it.
There is a certain luxury to knowing the language and culture of the country you are in. Today, I was in line waiting for a coffee, and a guy flirted with me, and I could flirt back without anxiety. Wow. . .I felt beautiful and desirable--not for my western heritage you understand--but because he found me attractive amongst all the people who look JUST LIKE ME. Or perhaps he was bored. . .no matter. . .it was fun.
So why the loss??
It's so easy here. Why would I go back?
Furthermore, I am in the midst of full on theatre. My theatre. Theatre that embraces life, ridiculousness, and spontaneity. I never know what will happen tomorrow.
I am in the midst of contemplating complete contentment combined with consciousness of complete chaos. (please note the beauty of that alliteration.)
I am not very forthcoming in this blog. . .So i should note--A friend and I wrote a play. . .as of now, I will be performing that play in Montana with a remarkable cohort. . .Additionally, I had two theatre jobs booked upon arrival in the states. Not only that, but I met up with this amazing friend (previously mentioned cohort) in Chicago who opened his home, his art, and his city to me.
You realize, everything in my life is going in the perfect direction. I can even spend my entire savings on frivolity because I have a well paying job to return to in 2 months.
So, I am curious as to why my heart is heavy.
Honestly, I think the question is. . .how do I get on in life without the people who shape me? I have always felt like clay. . .I prefer to be thought of as red clay. . .much like the Red Rocks of Colorado. . .because I consider myself vibrant. . .but I am here, always to be shaped and molded by experience. I always believed experience was elsewhere--I blame this idea on my father and a calendar I got when I was 12. My Dad was always going somewhere--the amazing state of Michigan--and the calendar was of Ireland. I always knew there was more. And I decided, I never wanted be the one in doubt or the one left behind. So, traveling was my goal. . .and theatre offered that ideal instantaneously. Within my second year of college, I was living in New York City working for the Blue Man Group.
Not only was I experiencing the unbelievable, but also my introversive behavior was consistently being challenged. I was never comfortable.
*Whispered* "and truthfully, I never am"
I have always felt alive and insecure in my choices--a dichotomy I embrace whole-heartedly.
I believe the crux I find myself in is. . .the age old question, "what happens now?"
I know I am continually evolving, and I am so grateful for this truth. . .but, I am also finding myself at a point in which, bad hotel rooms, strangers, and different scenery is not served best alone. I want to laugh with someone at the random clown crossing the busy intersection, I want to cry with someone at the old man sitting on the curb of the highway, and I want to have a discussion with someone about the 15 year-old playing a gasoline-can guitar on the corner of the sidewalk in a decrepit neighborhood in the middle of New Orleans.
You can never experience these things with someone if you are always moving around.
Risk is the basis of every life truly lived.
Perhaps the problem is:
I have only taken controlled risks, and I have always done them alone. The time has come to steal the ball, dance with it down the field, and trust in my strength to overcome the 'miss' or the 'goal'.
There are so many ideas and thoughts going on in this blog. . .in fact, I believe this particular entry embodies the true 'floatings' of this flibbertygibbit. . .thank you for staying 'til the end, and for those who made it. . .I leave you with this. . .
"But then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center-light pop and everybody goes Awwww!"
My furry friends. . .Have Fun!
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