Fail again. Fail better.

okay, okay, okay. . .

That's what Koreans say when they are processing something. . .I am processing. . .my first real audition in over a year. It was intense.

If you've been following along with this blog. . .I am happy to report there were no gastrointestinal surprises, but the mind sure kept me on my toes. Let's break this down. . .

A week before the audition, I called the theatre to see what was expected at the audition. The reply? Just cold readings from the script. Excellent. . .I can handle that. I had scheduled a couple of other auditions to keep my options open. On the day of the first audition, I decided to double check (mainly because I am neurotic about such things. . .and might I mention, good thing I am) I discovered they wanted a monologue as well. Yay! Two hours to memorize and make choices. So, I scavenge my computer files and book shelves. . .come across the one I think will be great and begin to work on it.

I understand that most actors have at least 3 monologues ready to go at a moments notice, but I’ve just reopened this popsicle stand, so it is taking me some time to restock.

I feel pretty confident in my memorization and go to the audition. Walking into the lobby and being greeted with the ‘essence de tension’ that comes free with every audition was invigorating. I suddenly felt alive.

The director was wonderful. . .we did warm ups, met each other, and then sent back to the lobby to anticipate our minute and a half to shine or fail.

Then it was my turn. . .I walk up the stairs. . .and I finally feel at ease, we start talking about my resume, my workshop with Patsy Rodenburg, Suzuki Training, and Viewpoints. I feel equipped and in a space I finally belong. . .

Then I start my monologue. . . it went like this. . .

Character: “Nothing. Zip. Nothing. He sat there with a coke in his hand like he was watching. . .” (Total crap out--figuratively)

Me: Can I start over?

Director: Of course.

Me: Thank you so much. (Simple jitters, no worries, we can do this brain and body. . .we got this bitch)

Character: “Nothing. Zip. Nothing. He. . . .” (Brain suddenly begins to dry heave, heart is pumping so vigorously it has become a free agent floating in my stomach bouncing against the colon. . .I suddenly am only aware of this fact and nothing else)

An eternity races by. . .I finally come to. . .

Me: Sorry, last time. (what the fuck Body??!?! What the fuck Brain?!?!?! Do your job!)

Director: Take your time, picture who you are talking to and why.

(Such a cool guy)

Third time is a train wreck, but I manage to use the bodily shut down to my advantage, and create a whole new monologue from the wreckage. John Patrick Shanley would be none to pleased with my re-write of his character. . .but alas, so the game is sometimes played.

I do well enough to be asked to stay and read. Awesome. I quickly grab my lines, make some choices, and do well enough to be invited back a second night for callbacks.

At callbacks, I get the chance to perform with other actors.

Talented ones too!

It was inspiring to be working with people who listen and give back. . .who collaborate and share. Really wonderful.

This time around I did not get a part. . .HOWEVER, I did get this email from the director:

You are talented. I could see it. And you had some really good moments in each scene. And you take direction well.

I did think your choices in the scenes were a little muddled. You seemed to be caught between two choices a lot of times so the character was just there sometimes. I thought when you were pushed you responded well. You obviously were listening. And very connected to your scene partner and in the moment. Those were your best moments. But i didn't feel you were trying to change the person you were with. what were you fighting for? And what chances were you going to take to get them. Put yourself out there with your choices, with no safety net, and trust in yourself.

You are in the back of my mind though Teralynn. I do work at Pure Theatre as well and will definitely recommend you to them. good luck with future work. i'll see you around.

Wow.

This email not only gives me concrete acting notes, but it gives me very relevant life notes.

My auditioning handicap mirrors my life. I am always caught between two choices. And I am not one for bold decisions. . .scratch that. . .I make bold choices, but I don’t jump into them. . .I debate, and ponder, and get stuck for a while, and then sort of ease my way into it when nobody’s really paying attention--not even myself.

That’s not interesting. It’s not an interesting life. It is a very bland, boring life. Boo.

Moreover, it’s not an interesting thing to watch on stage or on film. It’s boring to watch someone ‘sort of’ make a choice. . .We pay to see people be bold and silly, we want to see them fail. . .and succeed. . .

Therefore, with this new illumination. . .I am giving myself homework. . . I will exercise my BOLD in every day life. Every day, I am required to do something BOLD and out of my comfort zone, especially when it comes to something I really want. So be wary life. . .be very very wary. . .

And keep in mind, I do love a good failure--much like I love philly-cheese steak nachos. . .it is just so much more interesting.

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” –Goethe

Oh, and I've begun a children's book. It's about a goose.