Fail again. Fail better.

okay, okay, okay. . .

That's what Koreans say when they are processing something. . .I am processing. . .my first real audition in over a year. It was intense.

If you've been following along with this blog. . .I am happy to report there were no gastrointestinal surprises, but the mind sure kept me on my toes. Let's break this down. . .

A week before the audition, I called the theatre to see what was expected at the audition. The reply? Just cold readings from the script. Excellent. . .I can handle that. I had scheduled a couple of other auditions to keep my options open. On the day of the first audition, I decided to double check (mainly because I am neurotic about such things. . .and might I mention, good thing I am) I discovered they wanted a monologue as well. Yay! Two hours to memorize and make choices. So, I scavenge my computer files and book shelves. . .come across the one I think will be great and begin to work on it.

I understand that most actors have at least 3 monologues ready to go at a moments notice, but I’ve just reopened this popsicle stand, so it is taking me some time to restock.

I feel pretty confident in my memorization and go to the audition. Walking into the lobby and being greeted with the ‘essence de tension’ that comes free with every audition was invigorating. I suddenly felt alive.

The director was wonderful. . .we did warm ups, met each other, and then sent back to the lobby to anticipate our minute and a half to shine or fail.

Then it was my turn. . .I walk up the stairs. . .and I finally feel at ease, we start talking about my resume, my workshop with Patsy Rodenburg, Suzuki Training, and Viewpoints. I feel equipped and in a space I finally belong. . .

Then I start my monologue. . . it went like this. . .

Character: “Nothing. Zip. Nothing. He sat there with a coke in his hand like he was watching. . .” (Total crap out--figuratively)

Me: Can I start over?

Director: Of course.

Me: Thank you so much. (Simple jitters, no worries, we can do this brain and body. . .we got this bitch)

Character: “Nothing. Zip. Nothing. He. . . .” (Brain suddenly begins to dry heave, heart is pumping so vigorously it has become a free agent floating in my stomach bouncing against the colon. . .I suddenly am only aware of this fact and nothing else)

An eternity races by. . .I finally come to. . .

Me: Sorry, last time. (what the fuck Body??!?! What the fuck Brain?!?!?! Do your job!)

Director: Take your time, picture who you are talking to and why.

(Such a cool guy)

Third time is a train wreck, but I manage to use the bodily shut down to my advantage, and create a whole new monologue from the wreckage. John Patrick Shanley would be none to pleased with my re-write of his character. . .but alas, so the game is sometimes played.

I do well enough to be asked to stay and read. Awesome. I quickly grab my lines, make some choices, and do well enough to be invited back a second night for callbacks.

At callbacks, I get the chance to perform with other actors.

Talented ones too!

It was inspiring to be working with people who listen and give back. . .who collaborate and share. Really wonderful.

This time around I did not get a part. . .HOWEVER, I did get this email from the director:

You are talented. I could see it. And you had some really good moments in each scene. And you take direction well.

I did think your choices in the scenes were a little muddled. You seemed to be caught between two choices a lot of times so the character was just there sometimes. I thought when you were pushed you responded well. You obviously were listening. And very connected to your scene partner and in the moment. Those were your best moments. But i didn't feel you were trying to change the person you were with. what were you fighting for? And what chances were you going to take to get them. Put yourself out there with your choices, with no safety net, and trust in yourself.

You are in the back of my mind though Teralynn. I do work at Pure Theatre as well and will definitely recommend you to them. good luck with future work. i'll see you around.

Wow.

This email not only gives me concrete acting notes, but it gives me very relevant life notes.

My auditioning handicap mirrors my life. I am always caught between two choices. And I am not one for bold decisions. . .scratch that. . .I make bold choices, but I don’t jump into them. . .I debate, and ponder, and get stuck for a while, and then sort of ease my way into it when nobody’s really paying attention--not even myself.

That’s not interesting. It’s not an interesting life. It is a very bland, boring life. Boo.

Moreover, it’s not an interesting thing to watch on stage or on film. It’s boring to watch someone ‘sort of’ make a choice. . .We pay to see people be bold and silly, we want to see them fail. . .and succeed. . .

Therefore, with this new illumination. . .I am giving myself homework. . . I will exercise my BOLD in every day life. Every day, I am required to do something BOLD and out of my comfort zone, especially when it comes to something I really want. So be wary life. . .be very very wary. . .

And keep in mind, I do love a good failure--much like I love philly-cheese steak nachos. . .it is just so much more interesting.

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” –Goethe

Oh, and I've begun a children's book. It's about a goose.

Like blogs through an hourglass

Dear Blog,

The time has come to put away these wanderings down limitless paths of questioning and thought.

In fact, it is time you are used for your intended purpose.

Upon inception, Blog, you were meant as a chronicle of my life as an artist. The plan was to move to Chicago, pursue theatre, and see where these decisions led me. Instead, I found myself in financial chaos, frightened and unsure of the next step, and alone in a hotel room in NYC. So, what does a person do when confronted with this predicament. . .ah yes, jump on a plane and move to Korea.

I do not regret this decision, nor do I regret the blog entries related to the pursuance of this life curve ball. . .Both allowed a year of self-introspection, ridiculous adventures, and exploration away from the world of all things that I knew and understood.. . .a cocooning of sorts. A necessary for an artist. Now, I feel ready to face something that I've only dreamt about and drunkenly discussed with various cohorts.

And so Blog, I am going to pursue the life of a theatre practitioner--grown up way to say actor. Starting today. . .okay, really starting last week. . .but it takes me a while to own up to life choices.

Sincerely and Adoringly

Me.

Now, furry friends that I've set Blog on the right course. . .the first entry of this new blog direction. . .

I am a person who needs a plan. . .a process. . .steps. . .So, I've concocted this list of steps to propel my pursuit forward. (in no particular order)

Step 1: Commit to blogging every week about the process. This is necessary because it keeps me honest, goal oriented, and my sense of humor intact.

Step 2: New headshots--apparently color is the new black. Plus, I had a spot on my face removed. (don't ask)

Step 3: Audition in my home state--I have three this weekend.

***insert side step--known as a tangent in some circles***

(you didn't seriously think this new blog would be tangent-free did you??)

Auditioning is my achilles heal. Some might say, "oh, it's a minute and a half of a monologue. Think of it as a mini performance. Just have fun! After all, you're an actor. . .should be easy." To those people, I say, suck my fat uncle's hairy balls. This is how I see auditioning. . .

You walk into a room full of one to fifty or more people. . .directors, casting agents, interns. All of them have been sitting there tormented by one self-involved actor after another--the over-expressive smiles, high pitched voices--saying their name and age, and then performing different versions of the same characters with no real connection or commitment because they only have a minute and a half. A minute and a half! My body does the most absurd things in the half hour leading up to that minute and a half and during that minute and a half??--well anything goes. My gastrointestinal malfunctions alone should be studied. One time, I got on stage, introduced myself and proceeded to fart, and then burp.

This is my body on audition.

Then my mind. . .One time, right before I went on stage, I became obsessed with the idea that the constellation Orion was possibly no longer there. . .the stars had gone super nova, and we didn't know yet because it is so far away.

This is my brain on audition.

Needless to say, I don't audition well. I plan to fix this with a class--I've found an excellent studio in Chicago, and I am excited to work with them. Until then, however, the poor theatres of this state will have to endure my erratic mind and explosive bodily functions. As will I.

****End Tangent****

Step 4: Move to Chicago -- I feel this is the appropriate location for many reasons. . .1), it's where I was going before Korea, B)I have friends there and third, I've lived in NYC and have no desire to live there again.

Step 5: Get a job in a temp agency in Chicago. . .Working the traditional server/actor lifestyle is also a possibility. . .in fact, any place that gives me money for the least amount of clothing removal will be considered. . .

That's as far as I got with the steps. . .I think that's pretty good.

Finances are always a concern. . .but Korea gave me a financial boost, and I plan to work until the move. I have interviews as a barista in a couple of places already. . .oh, coffee, my one true friend.

So, here is my new path. . .I took the fork in the road--actually, I picked up that fork and stabbed it into the essence of what I really want. I don't know what it will lead to, but isn't it exciting?? Are you ready for this adventure furry friends?? I know I am. . .as I start to hyperventilate in the middle of this coffee shop. . .

Also each new post will come equipped with a song and a picture for your listening and viewing pleasure as well as a means to express my state of mind in a visual and auditory sense. . .(also, I love sharing music with people)

Today's post features. . .

Me. . .on the stage. . .seemingly collapsed and unaware. . .

but that suitcase and how the hand lingers over it. . .well I hope that means I'm ready for something and going somewhere. . .

And appropriately. . .the Black Keys.

And of course, my furry friends. . .your quote:

"The first mistake of art is to assume it's serious." --Lester Bangs.

Be well.

A Staypuft Marsmallow Blog

Question. . .am I the only one who reads Hamlet when lost in a sea of emotion, regret, and despair?

I've been surfing in this sea for a bit too long. . .perhaps surfing is not the correct word. . .hmmm. . .dog paddling?? drowning??. . .yes, I've been dog paddling/drowning in this sea for a bit too long.

Ah my furry friends, plans are tiny prayers made to father time, plans are tiny prayers made to father time, plans are tiny prayers made to father time, plans are tiny prayers made to father time. . .

They are. I embrace this idea with my mind. . .

BUT damn my body! She simply does not take to the notion. I wish the bitch would catch up.

I've always been one to do what she says. . .I was in a bar once. . .a friend looked me dead in the eye, she said, "let's go to New Zealand." I said, "yes, let's." I was a bit drunk on delicious beer you understand, but within two weeks, I had purchased my tickets, and in three months, I was on my way. I was 25 at the time. It was so easy. I just said yes, it happened. That doesn't seem to happen any more. Decisions. . .commitment. . .decisions. . .meh. . .

Decisions. . .

Decisions.

And I am back to reading "To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles. . ."

Better to take arms against a sea of troubles I think. . .sounds like pirating. . .and that is always a good avenue. . .

The draw of Hamlet for me is his indecision--I fully understand this plight and am plagued with it daily. . .do I get the quad-shot Americano, or stick with the Mocha?? Do I go to Target, Wal-mart or Korea. . .Really. . .what should I do??. . .I don't deal with decision well . .unless, it seems, I am in a bar and inebriated, and then apparently I make great decisions. . .(Truly, NZ, best decision I ever made.)

Back to Hamlet. . .

Some say this speech is simply about death. He is deciding whether or not to off himself. . .Some say he is being cunning--as he knows Polonious and Claudius are spying on him. . .and some say, and I am one with this mind, that he is wrought with indecision and the thought of consequence.

That is why I am akin to him. . .

. . and slightly attracted. . .especially to the Mel Gibson version--that beard, that soulful educated wit-ful look, that mother/son scene. . .oh my. . .

(oh, ellipses you and your wandering imagination)

Back to my logical brain. . .he is wrought with indecision and consequence. I believe that is why he is my go-to literary figure in indecisive soul-wretching times. Like Ani Difranco says, "every pop song on the radio is suddenly speaking to me". . .well for me in times of trouble, "shakespeare's prose and verse is suddenly perceptible."

Indecision. Consequence. Fucking consequence. . .did you know everyone suffers from YOUR decisions?? You decide to go to Target instead of Walmart. . .someone, suffers somewhere (think 'the butterfly effect'--not the movie, good god, not the movie). . .of course you cannot get caught up in such ideas. It will drive you mad, however. . .YOU are most definitely affected by your decisions. . .

In the past week, I've made the most life changing decisions. And in reaction, Life and friends have thrust upon me many consequences, and! wouldn't you know it? even more decisions.

I am fraught with words, regret, and indecision. Aren't we fucking all??

I am not looking for pity or sympathy. . .I am not looking for understanding or condolences. Because, we all know life is a bitch. "One man's decision is another man's regret." Life is a cunt--whether it's because it broke your water heater, your heart, your husband, your job or your foot. To each his own. . .each person has her circumstances.

For me. . .a show I worked on for 8 months got canceled two weeks before it was supposed to happen. Fuck. Damn. Fucking God Damn.

I also decided to give up a well paying job and pursue a rather penniless existence--as an artist you see. . .I do after all have an MFA. . .it stands for Mother Fucking Artist. . .

But these decisions don't mean shit to most of you.

The thing is. . .life?? Damn. That bitch comes in all unsuspecting shapes and sizes and it depends on the person and the given moment. . .I like to think of the Ghostbusters in times like these. . .Raymond. . ah Raymond. . .a simple guy. Told not to think of anything, and yet the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man popped into his head.

Nothing is ever intended.

It just fucking happens.

We try to direct things by making decisions. . .but as Hamlet points out. . .no matter what we are all faced with, decisions and every one of those decisions have consequences--from the simple decisions--Target or not?. . .or the major life decisions--Korea or not?. . .all of them--consequences.

I decided not to go to Korea.

I decided to pursue acting.

(People's faces when I say these two sentences together are quite amusing)

Despite all that I think has gone wrong. . .and all the dark days I am bound to face and my life's particular attraction to shit. . .It's worth it.

This is the foundation of my life. No one has ever really agreed with me. How could they? I am a random. .

Random thoughts, talks, and walks. . .I am a person in discovery of her boundaries. Many cohorts have discovered the boundary of their life realm. . .but mine is slowly coming a long. (I've always been a later bloomer) I have high hopes. . .and am thankful for my friends. . .

And so I am here. Here is where I am.

My furry friends, you gain no resolution tonight. . .because I do not. . .however, we both gain a quote. . .from Hamlet. . .because this play, is my solace. . .always.

"But look, amazement on thy mother sits,

O, step between her and her fighting soul.

Conceit, in weakest bodies strongest works,

Speak to her Hamlet."

When taken out of context. . .it works oh so well. . .as do most quotes.

Sleep sweet.