I found myself on a roof top looking up at the sky.
Before I get into this introspection. . .I have to reveal a few things. . .You are probably thinking, oh no, this is the part when the blogger reflects upon her past and gets all introverted and melancholy. . .blah!. . .My response to that: eh. . .it could be, but suck it up. . .I am made up of my past (as you are made up of yours) so my writing will always reflect that introversion. . .but I can guarantee you it is not all melancholy. . .
So, the preface behind us. . .and those of you who are willing to read on. . .here goes. . .
In middle school, my science teacher required us to go find the constellation Orion. Being a studious student I tried to do just that, but was unable to find the mighty hunter anywhere near our house (mostly because I lived in a neighborhood full of pine trees). . .So, I tell my parents: "I am going to fail science, I cannot find the constellation Orion!" (very dramatic indeed, perhaps this is one of those moments, where my mother knew I was meant for the stage). . .instead of being annoyed by me or telling me to go elsewhere. . .both my parents, and I stress BOTH, were like, "oh really, well let's see what we can do about that". . .and so, an adventure began. We were all (mom, dad, and the sisters) in the car driving out to the nearest field to see if we could find it. . .we had no idea what we were looking for. . .I knew the basics (three stars in a row, four stars squaring it off), but other than that, we were lost. . .or so I thought. . .looking back on it, my parents might've known. Regardless, there we were. . .a family in search of Orion--for no other reason, but that Miss Dietrich gave it to me as an assignment. And in the middle of a field (that is now a subdivision) we found it. . .Orion. . .My mom found it, right away actually. . .and I didn't want to believe her because I loved that all of us were out there finding this constellation together--away from the TV. . .away from the house. . .just us. . .OUT together--and everyone happy.
Looking up at that constellation took my breath away. . .there He was. . .in all his glory. . .he had seen everything. . .a silent witness to the Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire, the building of the Great Wall, even my birth. . .even your birth.
And so, this constellation and this particular moment always resonates with me. As I began to travel, I found that I could always look up, and feel safe. . .because there hanging in the sky, like a poster on a wall, was my wholesome family moment. . .I never needed a keepsake, I had a whole constellation!! No matter where I was, I was sleeping under the same sky as my family (are you having An American Tale flashback?? ". . .it helps to know we're sleeping underneath the same big sky. . .somewhere out there. . ." yeah, it's gross, I know;)
Of course, in New Zealand. . .things changed. . .I found myself underneath a different sky--Orion was no where to be seen, only his enemy, The Scorpion. . .and the Southern Cross--but, I don't know. . .I still took comfort in that sea of twinkling black. Even though they couldn't see the stars I saw, my family was still with me because every time I looked up at the sky, that moment came to mind.
And the funny thing??. . .I am probably remembering that whole moment wrong. . .ask one of my sisters and they will probably have no idea what I am talking about. . .but my memory of it is so perfect, that no matter what they say, it won't change. Write it in stone. . .in that moment, we were an ideal family--perfect in every way.
Which brings me back to the roof in Korea. . .gazing at the sky, in which I could only make out one star because of all the light pollution. . .
I bring my family with me where ever I go. And my family does not just include my Mom, Dad and Sisters. . .my family includes my roomies in Missoula, my loves in Australia, my travel buddies, my kindreds, and the one girl who stuck by me in-spite of me. . .I am really a lucky person. When I look up the sky now, I see all of them. . .I want so much to give all my moments to them. . .sometimes I think I do the zany and the unpredictable just for them.
I just hope they know. . .that no matter how far I go, they are always with me. I don't think everyone knows that.
And so, I am crying now (oh the melancholy manifests for a moment), like I was last night looking up at the sky. A lot of people didn't want me to come here. . .a lot of people don't like the life I chose. . .the thing is, I wouldn't have chosen any of this without them. . .and as happy as I am that I know them, I am even more grateful to them for bringing me to this place.
The people and the moments make us who we are. . .I may never live the life that was expected of me, but I think the important thing is is that I am living. . .and I am (in a small way) giving back. After all, the people I know and love do that already. . .
the night sky is an infinite place, so its the perfect place for overwhelming ideas--like life.
tonight i leave you with a bit of a poem from William Cullen Bryant's Hymn to the North Star:
The sad and solemn night hath yet her multitude of cheerful fires;
The glorious host of light walk the dark hemisphere till she retires;
All through her silent watches, gliding slow,
Her constellations come, and climb the heavens, and go.
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