life altering dilemmas

So, here it is March, and I haven't posted in a while. . .guess I'm not off to a very good start. . .

A lot has actually happened. At the moment, I am in New York City. I arrived today for a weekend intensive in Shakespeare. I am excited, anxious, and petrified. I have been out of the theatre realm for three months and three weeks--not by choice, but also by my own fault. After my last gig I decided to go home and rest and see my family. My family is a huge mess, and I've been out of the loop for quite awhile. Some days I believe going home was a mistake--I guess most people do. In going home, I decided that income was important, and so I got a job--as a server.

I am 31. I have an MFA. I am a server. I live with my parents.

Needless to say, I've slipped into a bit of a depressive mode. So, with my extra income I decided to come to NYC to embrace the theatre world for a weekend and learn some more about this art I love so much.

Upon arriving. . .I wandered around the city absorbing the energy of the people, the buildings, and even the garbage. There is an intensity in New York that feeds me. Perhaps because it is the first city I moved to all by myself at 19. I knew nothing, and just went for it. . .the city gobbled me up, spit me out, and then took a dump on me, but I survived. I went home, took a long shower, and went back to school to get my degree. But, I always had the memories of surviving New York. That accomplishment led me to do other crazy things, like backpack through New Zealand, Costa Rica, Panama, and Nicaragua. . .tromp through Turkey, and yes even go to Europe. New York was the place that developed that taste of adventure that courses through my veins, and each experience I have cultivates it. I believe this adventure feeds my art. Adventure produces raw emotions of all sorts, and seeing other cultures broadens our perspective. . .these elements gives the artist and endless supply to draw upon. . .

which brings me to my other big happening in the past few weeks. . .

I got offered a job in South Korea. It is teaching English for a year in Daegu, in the southern part of the country. At first I was thrilled. . .then I had to tell people. Some were excited, others were anxious, and still others were down right against it. Never before had I gotten such a variety of reactions to an upcoming adventure. Usually, my friends and family respond with. . ."well, okay have fun." This time, not so much. . .which made me falter and lose my confidence in the choice. Perhaps they forsee something I don't? Or maybe they think north korea is just a little too close and a little too communist? I'm not sure, but their doubt sent me into a downward spiral. I was confused and scared and sad. I didn't know what to decide. . .and in the end I felt I was deciding between my art and first love--theatre--and adventure. Friends said I was being over dramatic. Perhaps I was just a bit. . .but a decision like this is a life changer. . .need I remind you I am 31. . .taking the job will put me out of the theatre for one year. . .I will be artistically rusty but financially stable. . .and I will be 32 when it is all said and done. . .what to do?!?!

I turned it down.

They wanted the contract before I could decide, I felt rushed, I said no. The End.

I took the path more traveled. Convinced myself that I chose my art over adventure, and that is a good thing. I've had enough adventure. I need to root myself, establish myself as an artist in one place. After all I've devoted 10 years of study to theatre, I've spent an exorbitant amount of money on training and theory and practice. It is now time to prove it was all worth it, by going out there and getting a job. Hang up the backpack and the hiking boots, and get a real job. After all I am 31.

Again with the age. 31. 31. 31. 31. I love my thirties, I feel alive and vibrant and fresh. But suddenly maturity is expected of me. . .why? Why at 30 is it time to be mature? Why isn't traveling a mature choice? Children and a husband = maturity? Who says? and Why? Maturity, maturity, maturity, maturity. . .all it means is to be fully grown and developed, it is also, in the a financial world, the time at which a bond or note is due. So, being fully grown and developed means I have produced kids, established a house, and a healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex. . .or I am a note that is due. Hmmmmm. . .

I don't like it.

For me. . .like most things. . .maturity is in the eye of the beholder and allowing our idiosyncratic behavior to contribute positively to the world around us. Being adventurous is not immature if it is my nature to do so.

So, Korea came back with another offer. . .

Looks like I will be chronicling from the other side of the world in the near future. . .

But what about my one true love--theatre? What will my life as an artist become? Can I still be artistic when I am not cultivating it through performance, pursuance, and education?

I guess I'll find out. . .but for now, it is all about New York and three intense days of theatre.

Today I quote my sister. . ."in 24 hours your life can completely change course."