a countdown begins

Here I am back at home. . .

New York was amazing. The theatre intensive extraordinary. Oddly enough being fully immersed in Shakespeare solidified my desire to go to Korea. I now know I made the right choice.
How? You ask. . .How can studying Shakespeare make you want to go live in a foreign country where you will most likely be away from all things theatre? Or maybe you are asking why you decided to wear that shirt you have on. . .but since this blog is about me and my choices. . .

Shakespeare's plays are universal. . .it's something we hear all the time. He had this uncanny way of presenting life in its purest form, there is no hobbly-gook gunking it up. Actors aren't forced to wander through the text trying to find meaning. Instead the rhythm, the words, even the choice of letters guides them into their character's emotions and minds. It is quite exquisite. Being immersed in such an amazing form of language, surrounded by people from all over, and being taught by a woman with extraordinary tales of lessons and adventures, I found myself in a state of awe and anticipation of the world around me. I've said it a million times. . .my experiences whether they be good or bad or mediocre feed my art, and the experience of full immersion into another culture is just not one I can pass by. I know I need it. . .why? I don't know, but I usually don't, and find comfort in that.

With that said. . .I leave in two weeks.

Fear is creeping through my veins and he is being fed by doubt and uncertainity. Traditional pre-adventure jitters mind you. . .but I'm not going to another country for three weeks or even three months. . .this is a year. A YEAR. One whole year. (again my preoccupation with time--this is truly a new development in my psychosis)

Still, I am impassioned.
(clearly, my duality disorder is in full swing)

I have a lot to get done, and a lot of people to see. I kept thinking I had more time here at home, so I didn't put special emphasis on seeing people. . .and now I may miss out on reconnecting with people I hoped to connect with. Alas, the old tenet "live today like it's your last" sneaks up on me. . .and it's funny because I do try to do just that--in each of my plans for my next life step--which is so not the point of the tenet. I should always be in the moment. . .mindfulness. . .mindfulness. . .mindfulness. . .wherever you are, that's where you are.

Hmm. . .that paragraph offers an interesting insight that doesn't make any sense right now, but I believe it is a burgeoning epiphany (yes, there is such a thing in my world).

No definite closure today, but then again, there never really is with life. . .

and so I leave you with a quote from my friend (who is in the midst of an existentialist period right now). . ."there are no right or wrong choices. . .just choices. . .the "wrong" surfaces from a lack of commitment to the choice." (it was something like that any way).

Be well my furry friends. . .and if you don't think you're furry, have a look at your arms and your head. . .

life altering dilemmas

So, here it is March, and I haven't posted in a while. . .guess I'm not off to a very good start. . .

A lot has actually happened. At the moment, I am in New York City. I arrived today for a weekend intensive in Shakespeare. I am excited, anxious, and petrified. I have been out of the theatre realm for three months and three weeks--not by choice, but also by my own fault. After my last gig I decided to go home and rest and see my family. My family is a huge mess, and I've been out of the loop for quite awhile. Some days I believe going home was a mistake--I guess most people do. In going home, I decided that income was important, and so I got a job--as a server.

I am 31. I have an MFA. I am a server. I live with my parents.

Needless to say, I've slipped into a bit of a depressive mode. So, with my extra income I decided to come to NYC to embrace the theatre world for a weekend and learn some more about this art I love so much.

Upon arriving. . .I wandered around the city absorbing the energy of the people, the buildings, and even the garbage. There is an intensity in New York that feeds me. Perhaps because it is the first city I moved to all by myself at 19. I knew nothing, and just went for it. . .the city gobbled me up, spit me out, and then took a dump on me, but I survived. I went home, took a long shower, and went back to school to get my degree. But, I always had the memories of surviving New York. That accomplishment led me to do other crazy things, like backpack through New Zealand, Costa Rica, Panama, and Nicaragua. . .tromp through Turkey, and yes even go to Europe. New York was the place that developed that taste of adventure that courses through my veins, and each experience I have cultivates it. I believe this adventure feeds my art. Adventure produces raw emotions of all sorts, and seeing other cultures broadens our perspective. . .these elements gives the artist and endless supply to draw upon. . .

which brings me to my other big happening in the past few weeks. . .

I got offered a job in South Korea. It is teaching English for a year in Daegu, in the southern part of the country. At first I was thrilled. . .then I had to tell people. Some were excited, others were anxious, and still others were down right against it. Never before had I gotten such a variety of reactions to an upcoming adventure. Usually, my friends and family respond with. . ."well, okay have fun." This time, not so much. . .which made me falter and lose my confidence in the choice. Perhaps they forsee something I don't? Or maybe they think north korea is just a little too close and a little too communist? I'm not sure, but their doubt sent me into a downward spiral. I was confused and scared and sad. I didn't know what to decide. . .and in the end I felt I was deciding between my art and first love--theatre--and adventure. Friends said I was being over dramatic. Perhaps I was just a bit. . .but a decision like this is a life changer. . .need I remind you I am 31. . .taking the job will put me out of the theatre for one year. . .I will be artistically rusty but financially stable. . .and I will be 32 when it is all said and done. . .what to do?!?!

I turned it down.

They wanted the contract before I could decide, I felt rushed, I said no. The End.

I took the path more traveled. Convinced myself that I chose my art over adventure, and that is a good thing. I've had enough adventure. I need to root myself, establish myself as an artist in one place. After all I've devoted 10 years of study to theatre, I've spent an exorbitant amount of money on training and theory and practice. It is now time to prove it was all worth it, by going out there and getting a job. Hang up the backpack and the hiking boots, and get a real job. After all I am 31.

Again with the age. 31. 31. 31. 31. I love my thirties, I feel alive and vibrant and fresh. But suddenly maturity is expected of me. . .why? Why at 30 is it time to be mature? Why isn't traveling a mature choice? Children and a husband = maturity? Who says? and Why? Maturity, maturity, maturity, maturity. . .all it means is to be fully grown and developed, it is also, in the a financial world, the time at which a bond or note is due. So, being fully grown and developed means I have produced kids, established a house, and a healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex. . .or I am a note that is due. Hmmmmm. . .

I don't like it.

For me. . .like most things. . .maturity is in the eye of the beholder and allowing our idiosyncratic behavior to contribute positively to the world around us. Being adventurous is not immature if it is my nature to do so.

So, Korea came back with another offer. . .

Looks like I will be chronicling from the other side of the world in the near future. . .

But what about my one true love--theatre? What will my life as an artist become? Can I still be artistic when I am not cultivating it through performance, pursuance, and education?

I guess I'll find out. . .but for now, it is all about New York and three intense days of theatre.

Today I quote my sister. . ."in 24 hours your life can completely change course."