A start. . .

The idea to start a blog came in a fitful night of sleep. I have these a lot. I think a lot of us do.

The night begins with a simple thought about what tomorrow will bring, and as the minutes tick by the thoughts become thick with fear, anxiety, and frustration. Those life questions bubble to the surface once more and demand to be answered immediately and without delay, and so throughout the night, brain sorts through possibilities, scenarios and solutions, while the rest of me lays helpless in the boiling bog of eternal shit.

My "eternal shit" consists of art, money, future, and of course love. Art above all--I want to create. . .I believe that is the root of life. . .creating something beautiful and beyond ourselves. But I have trouble seeing past the practical in order to do this. I have what I like to call duality disorder (perhaps one day there will be a pill to fix it, and I will forever live in harmony with myself.) Duality disorder is the ability to see both sides of the situation at the same time, and doing so prevents any bold choice or leap. For example, I have ambitions to be a student of the world. . .to travel and experience different cultures and people, and in doing so I will be a better artist and theatre practitioner. However, traveling and experiencing prevents a rooted life with stability, friends, and family--the other side of life I yearn for. Both choices provide a rich palette for art, but I don't know where I fit in either of those options, and I want both.

"Oh how riddled, complicated and horrible my life is! What a new and unique problem!" my brain says sarcastically as I re-read what I just wrote.

I have a priviledged life. I have absolutely no money and I have run up $80,000 worth of debt to make my brain better. . .it was functioning fine before, but it craved knowledge and ideas--damn you brain! I know I could've achieved this without all the debt through the local library, but the experience was made richer by the people and experiences involved. Plus, there is something sensual about sitting in a room discussing ideas and philosophies--the pulsing foreplay that steadily accelerates into a heightened heated momentum that keeps thrusting until it explodes into that simple moment of ecstasy and epiphany. Yes, I just equated discussion with sex. . .but that is what grad level performance theory does.

Back to the "priviledged life" comment (that's why I am called a flibbertygibbit because my mind wanders). I have a warm bed, food to eat, and a family that loves me. . .so why do I feel so incomplete? Why do I need more? It goes back to what a friend once told me. . .once your basic needs are met, you begin to find other things to fill your time. I feel I must fill my time. . .I want to contribute and create. . .

And so, I must follow the words of Goethe. . ."whatever you do, or dream you can, begin. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it."

And so, I begin this blog. . .whether or not it is read. . .it is a baby step towards creating something worthwhile. It is a place to sort my confusion, share my frustration, and eventually carve something out of this world that will inspire one person--even if it is just my mom.

It is a place to turn to in my fitful sleepless nights.

This blog in itself is a creation, my creation.